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Tuesday, 13 June 2017

How to feel better about yourself after a breakup

I can't tell you guys how many times I've been asked this question from my readers, friends and family. It's obviously very apparent and obvious to you guys how much happier I am since I broke up with my ex. I went out with my ex for 6 years and I won't go into too much detail, but I'm a much happier person since I became single. Breaking up with someone is a very hard thing, especially after six years. Even though I initiated the breakup it was still very hard for me. I still cared about how he felt, I cared about his family that became my second family and I was also extremely anxious about whether I was making the right decision. I'm sure other girls can relate to this, but it's even harder when your boyfriend/ girlfriend breaks up with you, especially if you still want to be with them.

I swore to myself I wouldn't be the stereotypical 'Cry into a tub of Ice cream' kind of girl, and instead I'd reinvent my life and become a happier human being. Don't get me wrong, I had a few hiccups along the way which included a few snots and tears, some silly text messages and a few cheeky dominos orders.

'Lets try and be friends...'

While it may work for some, it definitely didn't work for me. Initially that's what I wanted, but my ex had a new girlfriend within about 6 weeks of us breaking up which was somewhat hard to take. Even though I didn't want to be with him, it was hurtful he could move on so quickly (typical woman, I know!). We would text or meet up from time to time, but things would get awkward and old habits die hard. You find yourself going out for a bit of food and end up spending 4 hours with each other, purely out of comfort and familiarity.  Generally one person wants to be friends and the other wants more, queue the awkwardness. When your ex starts getting involved romantically with someone else, it's definitely time to cut the cord. No one likes the ex girlfriend hanging around, and for me it was more stress than it was worth.

'Forgive and forget'

It's a very common thing for people to over-analyse what happened in the past, why they broke up and think what they could do to fix it. I made many a mistake while I was in a relationship, I reacted to things badly, sometimes I didn't react at all. I allowed myself to be treated very badly, I was cheated on several times and I allowed it because I thought I could be the girl to change him. Some people may think its an awful thing for me to write this on a public blog, but it happens to so so so many of us and I wanted to share more and be more honest.

I had the most amazing friendship with him, we met when we were 16. We went through so many stepping stones in life together, finishing school, starting college, getting our first jobs, graduating from college, travelling the world together and laughing a hell of a lot. We got on like a house on fire and he treated me like a princess when we were together, but not so much on his own time. I suppose I was very much blinded by love. I'm a very positive person and I always aim to see the best in people. I had this image in my head that he was the first person I ever loved and we'd end up together, I was desperate to make it work. And so, I compromised my confidence, my mental health and my dignity to achieve something that very few young couples do.

When we broke up I thought about everything that had happened detail by detail. I thought about what had happened throughout the relationship and knew that he didn't cheat on me because of ME, he cheated because he was insecure, he lacked self confidence and he lacked self respect. I was labelled crazy, insecure and untrustworthy, even though I had every right in the world to feel that way. Once I realised this, my mindset changed for the better. Everything that happened made me a stronger person, more secure, more confident and more determined to never allow myself be treated poorly again. So for that, I have to thank him.

'Don't scheme to win him back'

This is honestly the worst thing you can do. There will be stages post breakup where you feel insecure, you'll want the comforts of a relationship and you'll panic. I still panic and think 'Am I ever going to find someone?!', that hasn't happened as of yet and I'm in no rush, but I know when and if I do I'll be a lot more mature and have a lot more self-respect. You broke up for a reason, things weren't working for one or both of you. Better things are on the horizon, even though I haven't found that yet I'm a definite believer.

'Surround yourself with good people'

I am incredibly lucky to have people in my life who know me better than I know myself. When you're in a relationship, you often prioritize that person. Take this free time to spend it with people you love and that love you.  My mam and my aunty Marie are the best people on this planet, the older I get the more I appreciate their opinions and their advice. I couldn't have gotten through this year without them. I've gotten so much closer with them both, they are the most inspiring people and have instilled so much confidence in me over the past year.

My best friends Sarah and Rachel have been there with me every single step of the way. Spending time with me, drinking with me, dancing with me and minding my phone so I don't send any stupid / drunk text messages! I went on my first girls holiday in March to Las Vegas with Sarah, and I laughed my head off solid. Spending time with your friends is definitely the best therapy.

'Focus your energy elsewhere'

When we broke up I started walking by the coast every single day before work. I would walk about 7KM every day, it gave me such good headspace and clarity. I blared some upbeat music and it definitely relieved some stress. It also helped that I lost a bit of weight along the way. If exercising isn't your thing take up a different hobby; dancing, cooking, join a club etc. It's a great way to fill gaps in your day that may otherwise be unoccupied, and you find yourself thinking about them. It's time to focus on YOU and your future, stop putting your energy into negative things.

'The secret'

I read this book on a constant basis to retrain my thinking. Positive attracts positive. Trust me on this one, get the book.

'Take things extra slow'

More than likely, other guys are gonna find out that you're single through the grapevine. Remember that you're in a bit of fragile place, and we all like what we are used to. Don't be a creature of comfort, the past year has been the best year of my life because I broke out of my comfort zone. Have fun, date, but definitely don't chase a new relationship. You may think you've found a really nice person, but be patient and wait. If it's meant to be it will work out and they will respect you need time to heal. After 8 months of being single I went on my first date, and while it was a decent date I didn't pursue it any further because I knew he wasn't for me. Why? Because the time I took for myself I figured out what I wanted and I'm not going to settle for anything less. If you jump into a new relationship you are going to bring problems and insecurities from the last relationship with you. Figure out your own shit, smash your goals, become a more confident person and the rest will follow.

'Figure out your shit'

I focused on myself more than I ever have. I focused on relationships with my family and friends. I focused on my career and bagged myself a promotion. I focused on my fitness and feel so much more confident in myself. I've set short-term and long-term goals. I went to counselling about other things going on in my life and it set my head straight. I see things more clearly, I'm more focused, more confident, more outgoing and I know what I want and I won't stop until I get it.

'Be a bad bitch'

I never really understood the meaning of this word until one of the girls explained it to me. And regardless of whether you are single or not, this should be your goal. Know what you want and do everything in your power to get it. Be strong physically and emotionally. Do everything with class, don't ever let a situation bring out the worst in you. Being single is a learning curve, do it with grace. In saying that, if you need to cry allow yourself. Just try your best not to do it in the local pub where you might bump into your ex's friends! Force yourself to smile as much as you can, even if you don't want to. Don't let people outside your circle know that you're hurting.

I hope you enjoyed this blog post, it is very different to what I usually write about. You all seem to like my more personal posts and so many of you asked how I'm so happy after the breakup, I couldn't possibly respond with an answer this long to everyone. Just remember that what's meant for you won't pass you by, things happen for a reason and that there is always something better ahead.

Love,
Ally
x
















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